This is what you call love.

2010-02-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

I read through past entries and it's always the same bullshit. I always blame my idiotic problems on things that have happened to me in the past. Some times it does affect me but not in all the ways I list. I can't even be real here, where I believe no one knows me but my paranoia thinks otherwise.

I don't let people really touch me. Yes, I can hug others or brush against them but the moment someone tries to cuddle with me or lay next to me my mind starts going, starts remembering thats how it began with her. She would lay next to me and I would be trying to go to sleep and her hand would sneak over. No matter how much I tried to bury myself into the mattress she kept trying and it's my fault I gave in, it's not hers. I'm fucked up because of myself not because of anyone else. I couldn't look at her after, I didn't feel comfortable in the same room. And now she probably thinks she did nothing wrong and anyone else would probably agree with her. I led her on, I agreed, I pushed her away, I'm the slut, she's the victim and this is how it will always go. She will always win in the end.

I need something real in my life. Right now I have nothing. I don't have a great education, I'm in a dead end job, I hate my life, I hate the way I look and act, and there's nothing left. I have one friend who means the world to me, thats it. I have people who I call friends but I know they're not. I know behind my back they talk freely about how much of a bitch I am, how self-centered I am, how I'm mean and ugly and how they wish I would just finally disappear. Whenever someone says to me, "Guess what?" I'm sure they're going to reply, when I saw "what?", with "I hate you." When someone says, "I have an idea." I'm positive they're going to follow it up with, "Let's not be friends anymore."

There's so much I want to be doing with my life. I wish I could photograph this city through every transition, through every crack and nail. I wish I could write novels upon novels about romantic couples and lay in bed at night with my wonderful husband. I wish I could create a dress to wear down the aisle. I wish I could live a happy life with no worries, no paranoia, no fucked up brain telling me everything that's wrong and convincing me it's right. I want my friends to be around all the time and I want to be outgoing and cheerful and the life of the party. I want a movie life and I unfortunately know that will never happen for me. I will never fall in love and I will never have kids and I will never have a happy future. I see no future for me and that scares me and haunts me everyday. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I have nothing. Nothing to hold, nothing to be, nothing to live.

I am the biggest failure I know.

2009-12-13T21:35:00.000-08:00

Haven't posted here in awhile. I haven't felt a real big need to. But it's winter again and it seems everywhere around me people are falling. My friends are falling and I have no idea what to do. I'm going crazy inside my own head I can't seem to push out to help them. I want to but I have no words, I have no looks, I have only silence because that is all I can give myself.

I wish I knew how. It seems all I do is wish. And I never get. It's almost Christmas and I'm afraid some people won't make it. I know they will. They have to. But I'm always afraid.

I'm afraid of everything right now. I'm afraid of working, I'm afraid of driving, I'm afraid of my brain. I've been in two car accidents in the past week and I can't take anymore before I really cannot drive anymore. I can't stop clenching whenever we come within fifty feet of another vehicle, I can't stop flinching when I have to push on the brake pedal. I'm afraid it's not going to stop, that I won't be able to control anything anymore and end up hurting not only myself but others.

I can't get rid of these headaches. I can't get rid of these scars. I can't do anything and most days I wish I could really just stop.

2009-05-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

I miss him. It's weird and I know I probably won't miss him in a couple of days, I'll be back to my blase mindset but right now all I want is to feel him next to me. His arm across my stomach, his hand clasped in mine, just the feel of his chest underneath my head. He's so sweet to me and so patient. Some of the things he does or says is super cheesy and makes me laugh but he always goes along with it. He calls me cute and perfect and he's willing to tell other guys to shut up when they're talking shit about me. In this moment I wish we could have something more than random hookups at random houses. And in this moment I know it won't. Maybe in a while. Maybe when he gets back from China, maybe when he's over whoever hurt him, maybe when I'm able to get over what she did to me. All I want right now is to be with him, not even to make out or whatever but just to cuddle, just to sleep next to him. It's ridiculous, this, so why do I continue on?

2009-02-14T23:45:00.000-08:00

imsorryimsorryimsorry

2009-01-28T20:25:00.001-08:00

Talked to Scott today for a bit. Had a nice conversation. He's going to Toronto for Reading Week and I mentioned I had been planning on moving there. He asked why I didn't and I just said it was personal, that not even my best friend knows the entire truth. And that's where my head has been stuck all day. Thinking that, you know what, even though I talk a lot I don't really say a whole lot with meaning. A lot is made up, a lot is just omitted from my stories. Nobody really knows a whole lot about me. Yeah, they know something has happened, both over a year ago and earlier on in my childhood but they don't know what. Or maybe they do, maybe they know every instance that has driven me to this madness. Every time I stepped off the curb too early, every time the teacher had to phone home to remind my parents to pick me up, every time she crossed that line and every time I thought it was for the best, it was what she wanted and what I felt didn't matter. Every time a friend has stopped talking to me for a reason I knew but have tried to erase from memory. I've grown up in a privileged and fucked up house. I can remember clearly the day I came home to find my mother crying because my father had just left. The day I quit ballet, the one thing I loved, and my parents didn't do a damned thing to stop me. They gave me every opportunity and never forced me to stick to one thing. I wonder endlessly what would have happened if I had stayed in ballet, if I had stayed in modeling, if I hadn't quit guitar lessons, if I had stuck with volleyball, if I had shown up for rugby practices, if I had said yes to soccer instead of no thanks. I want to let go of everything from my past and just start new. I want to drive somewhere and never come back. I want to forget her lips on my thighs and the way I wanted to say no but could only say yes to her and even when I did say no she still touched, she still couldn't let go. So much has built up in my head and I know it's all stupid, I know there's nothing I can do now but go forward, that my past isn't that bad, I had it way better than a lot of kids. Nobody ever hit me, nobody screamed at me, or abandoned me at the first opportunity. I'm just a stupid little daddy's girl who has had almost everything shoved at her and I should be fucking grateful but I'm not and I can't understand why. I want to destroy myself because it's what I deserve. Nothing else in this world is meant for me except for my own destruction.

2009-01-23T17:44:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I still keep on hoping one of these days it won't end up the same. That there won't be some excuse. I don't care if it's true, it still hurts. I won't cry. It's not worth it. He's not worth it.

I feel sick to my stomach. I'm just letting every thought get through today, just letting everything hit me so I can truly feel like shit. I can convince myself that nobody would care because I know nobody does. This doesn't even have anything to do with him anymore. Now it's all about me because I know I'm not pretty, I'm not fashionable, I'm not desirable. I'm not anything special.

I wish I was so drunk I couldn't remember my name, couldn't remember my life. This is how I feel most days, I just can't go through with it. That's the story of my life.

This is not where she thought she would die, across the street from a Page Cleaners.

2008-10-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

There are times when I forget where and who I am. Sometimes it freaks me out but most of the time I just wish it lasted longer.

Tonight proves just how much I inadvertently destroy everything around me including myself. I know I'm no good with people, with friends, I just don't know why I keep trying.

I may have took too many but I know it's not enough. I wish I didn't.

2008-09-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

my fingernails have dirt caked underneath. my skin has turned slightly grey. old skin is peeling off around fresh cuts. I still live in boxes, nothing of importance lays behind cardboard. it could all be thrown out, I'd probably never miss it.

and I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out

2008-09-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

I hate feeling shitty, like my life isn't worth anything. Yet, I can't convince myself that it is.
I hate that an old photo can make my heart ache for a need to be apart of something meaningful.
This is not where she thought she would die, across the street from a Page Cleaners.
She never planned this when her alarm went off that morning, that she would drop out of college and get hit by a car in the same day.
Another moment in my life to regret.
I still regret every moment with her, every time she held too tightly, too close, too intimate. I regret convincing myself that everything was her fault when the blame falls on me. I should have stopped it the first night. By the third things were too broken to fix even though she tried while I couldn't look her in the eye any longer.
I wish. I wish.
Her life. Her life.
It's been a year. Stop living in the past, forget what she did, but it has settled in my veins. I need to cut them out, cut her out.
Why am I such a mess? Why did I create this life for me to live?

2008-09-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

This is not where she thought she would die, across the street from a Page Cleaners.

This is not how she thought she would die, either, her backpack full of granola bars (five boxes for ten dollars, she couldn't pass it up).

She never planned this when her alarm went off that morning, that she would drop out of college and get hit by a car in the same day.

Did she regret dropping out? Regret was how she lived her life, dropping out was no different.

She regretted her thoughts before she stepped off the curb because she had none except, "Finally." She didn't feel guilty with the knowledge she had just left her family and friends behind, hadn't yet paid off her student loan or her credit card, had left her roommate stuck with a years lease on a shitty apartment.

She was always meant to die, never by natural causes, but by some horrific accident. That was her life and death. She was a horrific accident caused by her own hands.

It had felt like a movie, her death. The character steps off the curb to be replaced by a car, tires squealing in a delayed effort to stop. She had always wanted to be a movie star.

Her lips were wet with blood. She had never minded blood unless it was her own. A flash of her in grade five, after school when she fell off the monkey bars and ended up with a broken nose. All the times she tried to make her retainer fit, all the nights she clenched her jaw while she slept.

Her life, her life.

None of that mattered. Nobody mattered in that moment but her.

Her mind was blissfully blank, finally, and that scared her more than anything else ever had. Her goal had been reached and all she wanted was to take it all back.

Regret was her life and her death.

there's nothing else that i can do

2008-09-02T01:16:00.000-07:00

I am nothing special. I am nothing. I turn off at the push of a button, at the shadow of a thought. Days, nights, like these won't last. We won't last. Our lives are wasting away. Nothing we do can stop it. We are out of control. The thought that within time none of this will be ours, we will no longer be remembered by friends or family, by strangers on the street. Death, war, human nature may scare others but my mind scares me the most. I can turn off the news, I can't turn off my brain. Not right away, anyways. (yes, I am going insane. leave me be. let this disease run its course. everything works out in the end. whether for the best or worse I cannot say.)

cause no one will ever feel like this again

2008-09-01T08:13:00.001-07:00

I feel nothing.
I have so many thoughts, so many ideas, so many wants and needs, and I feel nothing.
I can't stop shaking. I'm freezing.
I'm so scared of myself. I'm so scared of what is inside.
I make so many omissions I can't take myself seriously anymore.
Or maybe I take myself too seriously.
I'm begging for attention, I'm pleading for help, but my nails have all broken off from all this digging.
I wish I had a God to save me.
Do you ever get the feeling that this is not your life? that it's just on loan and if you don't make the necessary payments they'll take it away?

2008-08-31T23:33:00.001-07:00

I feel empty. I feel nothing. I feel like crying so hard that I throw up. I feel like slitting my wrists, right over my tattoos, just to feel something other than. I don't even know what. I just. I just. I need someone here but I'm afraid to ask. I hate this I hate this I hate my life I want to die and I haven't felt like this in forever please just help me.

2008-07-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

After things go so wrong it amazes me how everything can become right once more after the simplest thing. A trip to the grocery store, a hug, an 'okay'. It doesn't make sense and in my head there is always that frantic worry that things actually aren't okay. That things have been screwed up once more and I can't see a solution.

I am always afraid of screwing up because I am that fuck(ed) up and I'm afraid of losing my friends. There is always shaky ground beneath my feet when I'm with people I care for the most because I am afraid that anything I say or do will cause the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

But then everything is alright with that one magical solution. If only we could know the solution beforehand to make things slightly less painful.

cutme

2008-06-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've realized that the only way to survive is to shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, I am unable to do so.

I just wish. Fuck, I don't even know anymore. I want everything to be alright. I want to not have everything fall down around me.

I'm worried I'm losing my mind. I have no excuses. I have nothing. Im afraid.

I don't want to make excuses, or have this look like I'm trying to make something up. I just truly have no idea what's going on anymore. Everything is unraveling and it's all because of me.

I love you so fucking much and yet I can't stop being myself, which is what ruined the last one, and the one before that. I'm pretty sure that if there was a gun in this house I wouldn't have made it to work today.

This is all about my paranoia. This is all in my head and I'm sorry I've dragged you in.

I just wish I knew the right words to say and the right things to do to make this all go away. I feel as if this is the worst thing I've done in awhile.

I am a fuck up. I always fuck things up. I don't know how not to.

There is nothing left but this mess

2008-06-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

There are flaws of mine that I am fully aware of and there is nothing that I do to change them. I am a flake and I am a hypocrite.

I will tell people I'll go out with them and then I'll bail on them within the hour to either stay at home or go do something with somebody else. I do this thing where Im excited to do something beforehand, but when it actually happens, I regret doing it because I'm not enjoying myself. This is one of the reasons why I did not go to my prom. I have never had a good experience at a dance, something bad always comes about. I almost killed myself after one night out at a club. I become disappointed in myself from everything that I do or don't do. This also applies in reverse. I will not want to hang out with someone and tell them some excuse, but then five minutes later I'm regretting my decision because truth is, I really did want to do something.

I hate being made fun of, and yet I make fun of everyone. You would think I would be used to being made fun of since people do it about 80% of the time we're together. I'm not pretty; I'm not smart; I talk weird; I am clumsy. I know everything that is wrong about myself but I hate it when people point them all out every single time. I switch around letters in words, words in sentences, and I talk with a drawl that apparently makes me sound whiny all the time. I hurt myself at least five times in a regular day. I mess up facts, or don't remember them, and I never really have anything intelligent to say. I pretend that everything is alright, that I'm just that clumsy friend everyone keeps around, so people don't know how much it really bothers me. I wish I was half as smart as any one of my friends, more put together like them, because I'm starting to dread hanging out with them, afraid I'm just going to be the butt of another joke.

Everything is a series of cycles, everything leads back to each other, I just wish I had been left out.

she loves you. deal with it. he hasn't forgotten you.

2008-05-31T22:23:00.001-07:00

When things are going right is when I get the most depressed. I just can't be happy.

Or if I'm alone in my room I stop thinking and just listen. Then I am truly lonely and I wish to end it all.

I believe I am forever doomed to feel this way and that way of thinking makes me want to just stop.

There is nothing for me to turn to. I hate to burden you and there is no God in my life to pray to. I've never needed anyone before so why do I feel the need to start now?

I hate how people decide one day that they are going to follow a new religion. I could understand if they researched different kinds and decided which one is what they believed in. It's different than one day deciding that you are no longer mormon or jewish or christian because you will always know when your heart is not in it, when you are more dependent on thinking about what is right than feeling what is right.

I wish I knew what felt right.

There is nothing in this world for me to live for and yet I'm still here and I can't figure out why.

I have nothing to complain about, I live a perfectly normal life with loving parents and friends, and yet I still sit by myself in my room, on the bus, at the mall, in the movie theatre. I avoid people only because I want to be near them all the time but I know that will only eventually drive them away, that they will eventually see the real me in those rare moments.

I've become more paranoid than usual because everyone I have ever loved like a family member leaves me. I believe that if I do the leaving then I won't get hurt but that hasn't worked either.

I'm so scared of what I could do to myself, of what I will eventually do to myself, but I know all plans must come to fruition eventually, whether one wants them to or not.

I am wreck and there is no cure.

2008-05-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

I want my kids to be in ballet and guitar lessons.

I want to be able to go to recitals and shows.

I want to make cookies for the annual ballet school fundraising and the late night band practices.

I want to sew sequins onto weirdly coloured spandex and help iron patches onto ripped crotches of jeans.

I want to be able to say, "That's my kid up there, (in the center)(the singer/drummer/bassist/guitarist), isn't (s)he amazing?"

I want to be frantic ten minutes before, searching for lost ballet shoes, guitar picks, making sure their hair will stay in place, that their makeup hasn't run, assuring them that everything will be fine, they will be amazing.

I want to hand them a bouquet of flowers after they've danced their hearts out and drive them to the local 24 hours cafe as they come down from their post-show high.

I want to be the one to help them buy their first van so they can travel to each town and their plane ticket to the most prestigious dance school I can afford.

I just want them to be happy.

2008-05-23T22:08:00.001-07:00

I can see all the veins in my hands. It almost looks like a chicken wire fence if someone had driven a truck through it first.

I wish my heart, my chest, didn't ache every time I got like this.

There is a yearning inside to be somebody else. Anybody as long as it's not this fucked up person that I've become.

Sometimes I forget what I look like and I have to look in the mirror before I remember. It would scare me if I didn't care. If I could forever forget what I looked like and never remembered to look in the mirror to check that I'm still breathing.

This is pointless and useless and I wish I didn't need to write this out. I wish I could keep everything a secret but I yearn for so much attention.