I read through past entries and it's always the same bullshit. I always blame my idiotic problems on things that have happened to me in the past. Some times it does affect me but not in all the ways I list. I can't even be real here, where I believe no one knows me but my paranoia thinks otherwise.

I don't let people really touch me. Yes, I can hug others or brush against them but the moment someone tries to cuddle with me or lay next to me my mind starts going, starts remembering thats how it began with her. She would lay next to me and I would be trying to go to sleep and her hand would sneak over. No matter how much I tried to bury myself into the mattress she kept trying and it's my fault I gave in, it's not hers. I'm fucked up because of myself not because of anyone else. I couldn't look at her after, I didn't feel comfortable in the same room. And now she probably thinks she did nothing wrong and anyone else would probably agree with her. I led her on, I agreed, I pushed her away, I'm the slut, she's the victim and this is how it will always go. She will always win in the end.

I need something real in my life. Right now I have nothing. I don't have a great education, I'm in a dead end job, I hate my life, I hate the way I look and act, and there's nothing left. I have one friend who means the world to me, thats it. I have people who I call friends but I know they're not. I know behind my back they talk freely about how much of a bitch I am, how self-centered I am, how I'm mean and ugly and how they wish I would just finally disappear. Whenever someone says to me, "Guess what?" I'm sure they're going to reply, when I saw "what?", with "I hate you." When someone says, "I have an idea." I'm positive they're going to follow it up with, "Let's not be friends anymore."

There's so much I want to be doing with my life. I wish I could photograph this city through every transition, through every crack and nail. I wish I could write novels upon novels about romantic couples and lay in bed at night with my wonderful husband. I wish I could create a dress to wear down the aisle. I wish I could live a happy life with no worries, no paranoia, no fucked up brain telling me everything that's wrong and convincing me it's right. I want my friends to be around all the time and I want to be outgoing and cheerful and the life of the party. I want a movie life and I unfortunately know that will never happen for me. I will never fall in love and I will never have kids and I will never have a happy future. I see no future for me and that scares me and haunts me everyday. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I have nothing. Nothing to hold, nothing to be, nothing to live.

I am the biggest failure I know.