I will tell people I'll go out with them and then I'll bail on them within the hour to either stay at home or go do something with somebody else. I do this thing where Im excited to do something beforehand, but when it actually happens, I regret doing it because I'm not enjoying myself. This is one of the reasons why I did not go to my prom. I have never had a good experience at a dance, something bad always comes about. I almost killed myself after one night out at a club. I become disappointed in myself from everything that I do or don't do. This also applies in reverse. I will not want to hang out with someone and tell them some excuse, but then five minutes later I'm regretting my decision because truth is, I really did want to do something.
I hate being made fun of, and yet I make fun of everyone. You would think I would be used to being made fun of since people do it about 80% of the time we're together. I'm not pretty; I'm not smart; I talk weird; I am clumsy. I know everything that is wrong about myself but I hate it when people point them all out every single time. I switch around letters in words, words in sentences, and I talk with a drawl that apparently makes me sound whiny all the time. I hurt myself at least five times in a regular day. I mess up facts, or don't remember them, and I never really have anything intelligent to say. I pretend that everything is alright, that I'm just that clumsy friend everyone keeps around, so people don't know how much it really bothers me. I wish I was half as smart as any one of my friends, more put together like them, because I'm starting to dread hanging out with them, afraid I'm just going to be the butt of another joke.
Everything is a series of cycles, everything leads back to each other, I just wish I had been left out.
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