I read through past entries and it's always the same bullshit. I always blame my idiotic problems on things that have happened to me in the past. Some times it does affect me but not in all the ways I list. I can't even be real here, where I believe no one knows me but my paranoia thinks otherwise.

I don't let people really touch me. Yes, I can hug others or brush against them but the moment someone tries to cuddle with me or lay next to me my mind starts going, starts remembering thats how it began with her. She would lay next to me and I would be trying to go to sleep and her hand would sneak over. No matter how much I tried to bury myself into the mattress she kept trying and it's my fault I gave in, it's not hers. I'm fucked up because of myself not because of anyone else. I couldn't look at her after, I didn't feel comfortable in the same room. And now she probably thinks she did nothing wrong and anyone else would probably agree with her. I led her on, I agreed, I pushed her away, I'm the slut, she's the victim and this is how it will always go. She will always win in the end.

I need something real in my life. Right now I have nothing. I don't have a great education, I'm in a dead end job, I hate my life, I hate the way I look and act, and there's nothing left. I have one friend who means the world to me, thats it. I have people who I call friends but I know they're not. I know behind my back they talk freely about how much of a bitch I am, how self-centered I am, how I'm mean and ugly and how they wish I would just finally disappear. Whenever someone says to me, "Guess what?" I'm sure they're going to reply, when I saw "what?", with "I hate you." When someone says, "I have an idea." I'm positive they're going to follow it up with, "Let's not be friends anymore."

There's so much I want to be doing with my life. I wish I could photograph this city through every transition, through every crack and nail. I wish I could write novels upon novels about romantic couples and lay in bed at night with my wonderful husband. I wish I could create a dress to wear down the aisle. I wish I could live a happy life with no worries, no paranoia, no fucked up brain telling me everything that's wrong and convincing me it's right. I want my friends to be around all the time and I want to be outgoing and cheerful and the life of the party. I want a movie life and I unfortunately know that will never happen for me. I will never fall in love and I will never have kids and I will never have a happy future. I see no future for me and that scares me and haunts me everyday. What the fuck am I doing with my life? I have nothing. Nothing to hold, nothing to be, nothing to live.

I am the biggest failure I know.

Haven't posted here in awhile. I haven't felt a real big need to. But it's winter again and it seems everywhere around me people are falling. My friends are falling and I have no idea what to do. I'm going crazy inside my own head I can't seem to push out to help them. I want to but I have no words, I have no looks, I have only silence because that is all I can give myself.

I wish I knew how. It seems all I do is wish. And I never get. It's almost Christmas and I'm afraid some people won't make it. I know they will. They have to. But I'm always afraid.

I'm afraid of everything right now. I'm afraid of working, I'm afraid of driving, I'm afraid of my brain. I've been in two car accidents in the past week and I can't take anymore before I really cannot drive anymore. I can't stop clenching whenever we come within fifty feet of another vehicle, I can't stop flinching when I have to push on the brake pedal. I'm afraid it's not going to stop, that I won't be able to control anything anymore and end up hurting not only myself but others.

I can't get rid of these headaches. I can't get rid of these scars. I can't do anything and most days I wish I could really just stop.

I miss him. It's weird and I know I probably won't miss him in a couple of days, I'll be back to my blase mindset but right now all I want is to feel him next to me. His arm across my stomach, his hand clasped in mine, just the feel of his chest underneath my head. He's so sweet to me and so patient. Some of the things he does or says is super cheesy and makes me laugh but he always goes along with it. He calls me cute and perfect and he's willing to tell other guys to shut up when they're talking shit about me. In this moment I wish we could have something more than random hookups at random houses. And in this moment I know it won't. Maybe in a while. Maybe when he gets back from China, maybe when he's over whoever hurt him, maybe when I'm able to get over what she did to me. All I want right now is to be with him, not even to make out or whatever but just to cuddle, just to sleep next to him. It's ridiculous, this, so why do I continue on?

imsorryimsorryimsorry

Talked to Scott today for a bit. Had a nice conversation. He's going to Toronto for Reading Week and I mentioned I had been planning on moving there. He asked why I didn't and I just said it was personal, that not even my best friend knows the entire truth. And that's where my head has been stuck all day. Thinking that, you know what, even though I talk a lot I don't really say a whole lot with meaning. A lot is made up, a lot is just omitted from my stories. Nobody really knows a whole lot about me. Yeah, they know something has happened, both over a year ago and earlier on in my childhood but they don't know what. Or maybe they do, maybe they know every instance that has driven me to this madness. Every time I stepped off the curb too early, every time the teacher had to phone home to remind my parents to pick me up, every time she crossed that line and every time I thought it was for the best, it was what she wanted and what I felt didn't matter. Every time a friend has stopped talking to me for a reason I knew but have tried to erase from memory. I've grown up in a privileged and fucked up house. I can remember clearly the day I came home to find my mother crying because my father had just left. The day I quit ballet, the one thing I loved, and my parents didn't do a damned thing to stop me. They gave me every opportunity and never forced me to stick to one thing. I wonder endlessly what would have happened if I had stayed in ballet, if I had stayed in modeling, if I hadn't quit guitar lessons, if I had stuck with volleyball, if I had shown up for rugby practices, if I had said yes to soccer instead of no thanks. I want to let go of everything from my past and just start new. I want to drive somewhere and never come back. I want to forget her lips on my thighs and the way I wanted to say no but could only say yes to her and even when I did say no she still touched, she still couldn't let go. So much has built up in my head and I know it's all stupid, I know there's nothing I can do now but go forward, that my past isn't that bad, I had it way better than a lot of kids. Nobody ever hit me, nobody screamed at me, or abandoned me at the first opportunity. I'm just a stupid little daddy's girl who has had almost everything shoved at her and I should be fucking grateful but I'm not and I can't understand why. I want to destroy myself because it's what I deserve. Nothing else in this world is meant for me except for my own destruction.

I don't know why I still keep on hoping one of these days it won't end up the same. That there won't be some excuse. I don't care if it's true, it still hurts. I won't cry. It's not worth it. He's not worth it.

I feel sick to my stomach. I'm just letting every thought get through today, just letting everything hit me so I can truly feel like shit. I can convince myself that nobody would care because I know nobody does. This doesn't even have anything to do with him anymore. Now it's all about me because I know I'm not pretty, I'm not fashionable, I'm not desirable. I'm not anything special.

I wish I was so drunk I couldn't remember my name, couldn't remember my life. This is how I feel most days, I just can't go through with it. That's the story of my life.

This is not where she thought she would die, across the street from a Page Cleaners.

There are times when I forget where and who I am. Sometimes it freaks me out but most of the time I just wish it lasted longer.

Tonight proves just how much I inadvertently destroy everything around me including myself. I know I'm no good with people, with friends, I just don't know why I keep trying.

I may have took too many but I know it's not enough. I wish I didn't.